Memo says---> MEEEAAAW!!!

Today’s summary so far:

Complete Shit

Love??

How does one describe the feeling that one gets when you’re with that person that seems to make your life complete? How do you name it when you get this good feeling when you’re near the person who can turn your frown upside down with a few jokes or a few simple words? What do you call it when all you want to do is be with that one person forevermore? What do you call the reason why you get upset when the two of you must part? I don’t quite know the answer to this myself, but all i know is that there is no way that a simple word, like love can define it. I feel that love is what you feel when you’re beginning a relationship, when you’re starting to learn the others little qwirks and what not, but to the feeling that you get when all you want to do is spend the rest of your life with someone comes around, I personally do not think that word suffices such a thing. I want to be able to use a word that can define all that I feel when I’m with my significant other. It saddens me that no such word exists, or at least to my knowledge, but I suppose the whole point of my little rant here is that… Well that at the moment, I am at that point, where the fact that I cant see my… Little Trouble Maker around more than a few hours really grinds my gears. I don’t know, but all I do know is that what I feel towards my amazing girlfriend has to be more than love, it’s a lot more. What I feel,it goes past that line where I would consider marrying her. I’ve gotten to the point where if I could, if only I was able to, I’d do it. Like right now. I’d propose, have the marriage as soon as possible, honeymoon and then I’d take her home. To our home. It saddens me that at one point we almost were able to move in, but that dream was killed… But the fact that we almost did gave me a taste of what it might be like and well yeah… Maybe I’m being over dramatic, maybe I’m  being naive, or maybe I’m letting a little of my hopeless romantic out, but I feel like I’ve found the one… 

And on that note I bid thee farewell. Tataa!

Crazy Little Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder where I would be right now had not all the things that I’ve been through happened. Between the hard work, the love loss, the accidents, the rebel phases, to the point where I decided to become the person I am now… It feels strange knowing one thing, literally one decision, would have changed everything about my life! I mean I’m not complaining or anything just going on a little rant that well it’s crazy knowing one is the culmination of all our decisions. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I just feel like I’m in a good place right now. That I’ve made my share of bad choices, but that I have no problem with them because due to those things I’ve had some of the best moments of my life happen. And in all honesty I don’t mind. I don’t know if anyone gets what I mean but yeah. *end rant* ?

Have walked this much in a while haha feels nice :3 gonna go for another walk now :)

Something good finally came up but I can’t help but still feel like crap.. I wanna just let off some steam, I wanna talk I want…. I don’t know. I’m so tempted to buy a pack of smokes just to smoke a couple. *sigh* I think a listening ear would be nice right about now…

Still waitin for that something nice to happen *sigh* for now ill go and get my poison… energy drinks, and just be home doing nothing.

Done with work. Now to deal with my other stuff… But it’s okay, something good might happen, you never know. Heh

Not a good day today.. Just plain crap… *sigh* hopefully something even remotely good happens today, that alone would help me out.. Well a man can hope I guess

THE CONFESSION OF A SILENCED MIND

3 am. I work at 9 am. But… Well I don’t know to be honest. I’m in bed, but I’m not tired. I look at the time and wonder why I’m still not asleep. My head is like on cruise mode and all the while the music going in through my ears is playing inside my head. Well I went off tangent on that ha ha. I seem to be on one of those waves where I just review my life and wonder what is in store for me in the future. Like I want to go and drive around and bump my music and…. just drive. I did that while I went to get some milk like an hour ago and all I could think was, ” where am I going? Like with my life, I mean. ” Was a hard one to answer in all honesty. All I could think about was my girlfriend. It was crazy. Being a realist with a suppressed idealist it was quite a tussle in my head. 

You see, she has got to be the greatest thing to happen to me since video games and music came into my life (not taking my sister becoming a geek into account *tears of joy*) . The realist in me says, ” she seems to be the one bro, but what if you fuck up? What if she one day gets tired of how meek and insignificant your existence is? What if she decides she can find someone much better than you and leaves you out to dry? What if she decides your weirdness is too much for her to handle? What if you just aren’t the one for her? ” The whole time my heart brakes as the sad me kicks in. The pessimist, the negative Nancy. I slowly lean into  believing everything my pessimistic me says. What if she does leave me because I’m not the one for her? The whole time my music plays nothing but songs that are slow and, well, sad. But. There’s a voice there. A small one that I hardly ever hear nowadays. That suppressed idealist that reminds me of my dreams.The one that knows that his place has been taken, but knows that he must stay if only to be present. He says, ” true as it may be that all those things could be possible, who says they will come to happen? What if she doesn’t leave you? What if you decide she is the one for you? What if she’s the one you want to marry? What if she’s the one that you want to wake up to every morning? What if she’s the one you’ve been looking for? What if she’s the one you spend the rest of your life with? ” I realize that he’s right. That she’s that girl I have come to be head over heels with is all those things. Even though I already knew that to be true, the negativity seems to have blinded me of such facts. I love her. With all my being. With all my soul. With… everything that makes me.I know she doesn’t realize how much I care for her. I know I’m not the best at letting her know it. I know I can’t do everything we’ve talked about, like moving in together, getting married, traveling. I know I’m not perfect and flawed in many ways. I know that I’m not the greatest boyfriend out there. I know I can’t fulfill her one and every want. I know. But. I try. I try to keep her happy, to see her smile, to show my affection, to understand her. I really do. The moments I spend with the happy her are amazing. I just wish I could tell when I’m being too pushy. To be completely honest, the best reward I receive for my efforts in making her happy are her smiles, her laughs, her kisses, her hugs, her  love. I know I may sound corny as heck, I know, but it’s how I feel inside. I just hope she takes the time to read this. I want her to know that, I love her. That the phrase has never meant as much as it does now. That it makes my breakdown at the thought of losing her because I would be losing my other half. That I love every moment I spend with her. That even though we may be different in more ways than one, that I love her regardless. That I want her to be my wife. That I want her to be the mother of my children. That I want her to be the girl I see every morning and the one I come back to after work. That I want to grow old with her. That she is the best thing to ever to have happened to me.

Well… yeah. I’ll end it here with a goodnight and a good-bye.